My Own Personal Nightmare

Hello everyone, writing is one of the ways I am able to express myself and I want to raise awareness. 

I didn’t know my mind could betray me so much. How could the same mind that’s so creative, unique, strong and confident, deceive me so greatly? How could my brain turn on me so suddenly? 

I’ve been through a lot in my life so far. But NOTHING and I mean NOTHING could have prepared me for the hell that is Panic Disorder. I didn’t know my mind could betray me so much. I thought I knew myself well. I thought my brain fully developing at 25 was going to make me wiser, smarter. I was so excited to finally be an “adult”. That excitement soon turned into misery. 

I’ve always been one to live life to the fullest, but I’m afraid I haven’t been able to do that lately. I cry every day. I cry more than I smile, and I love to smile, but it’s been so hard to. The dark clouds have been permanent the last few months. I have not seen the sun in a long time. 

I’ve always suffered from horrible anxiety, but not like this. Never like this. This is my own personal nightmare. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. I had my first major panic attack back in early September. It lasted 24 hours. For 24 hours, I couldn’t do anything, but panic. It came out of nowhere. I had to be given something to help me calm down because I just couldn’t do it. And ever since then, I have been living in constant fear of that happening again, and my body has not relaxed once.

I can’t eat, my anxiety makes me nauseous and gives me stomachaches. I hate eating now when that was something I enjoyed a lot. I can’t sleep, my anxiety makes it impossible for me to relax enough to go to sleep. I have to take sleeping medication, so I’m drugged to sleep basically. And even that only works 50% of the time. I never feel rested no matter how much sleep I get because how could I? My body’s in a constant state of panic. I wake up in a panic every morning.

Constant shaking, heart palpitations, hot and cold flashes, headaches, stomachaches, feeling weak, dizziness, muscle cramping, nausea, fatigue, brain fog, feeling like I need to crawl out of my skin. All day. My chest used to hurt 24/7. It felt like I was having a heart attack every day. My throat feels like it’s going to close up sometimes. My head feels like it’s going to explode other times. 

I’ve turned into a hypochondriac. Just this last week I’ve gotten my blood drawn twice and have been to two different doctors. Every little shiver or shooting pain makes me spiral into paranoia. I don’t even think about anything else anymore except my health. I don’t recognize who I am. My personality is gone. My mind deceived me. The voices in my head aren’t mine, they’re demons. Demons that are rotting my brain from the inside. I’ve never wanted to escape my mind more. And the worst part is I don’t even know what triggers it. I can just be sitting down, doing nothing, and my mind will go into panic mode. 

I went from living all by myself to moving back in with my mom because I’m terrified of being alone. I’m terrified of having another panic attack by myself. 

The medications that I have available to me are either ones that work quickly to reduce the panic fast, but are highly addictive, which in turn makes me more anxious, so I can’t take them or ones that take 4-8 weeks to maybe work. MAYBE. And I’ve tried so many of them. I’ve tried so many different medications in these last three months that my body is a pharmacy. I don’t even know what are side effects from the meds and what’s from my anxiety at this point. 

Being stressed 24/7 to the point of utter exhaustion can’t be good for me. I know my body wants to give up. And yet, somehow, someway, I keep on going. I get up every day and continue on. I don’t know where I get the courage or the strength, but I do. I keep telling myself everything is temporary, and nothing lasts forever. I know the woman I once was is still there. She’s buried, but she’s there. And she is going to come back soon. I pray every day that this will get better. It has to. There’s no other option for me. I still have hope I will defeat this. 

Thank you for listening. And if anyone out there reading this suffers from Panic Disorder, I’m so sorry. You’re not alone. We will get through this. 

More info on Panic Disorder: https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/panic-disorder

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